Saturday, January 15, 2011

Grady, Goober and the Baby Dedication

Six inches of snow, followed by a week of freezing temperatures, kept most folks inside last winter. Some believe that contributed to the large number of babies to be dedicated. There were so many, in fact, that Pastor Jerguson had asked Grady and Goober to help him with the ceremony.

Not wanting to fall too far behind in modern technology, Pastor Jerguson wanted the special feature of a slide show on the big screen showing pictures of each baby. Grady had collected the pictures and carefully labeled them with the child’s and parents’ names. He scanned them and loaded them onto a disk.

When the first child was presented, Pastor Jerguson held up the precious little girl and said, “This is Dottie Lambert. She’s the daughter of Ralph and Cindy Lambert.” With full excitement of having a picture of her on the screen behind him, Pastor Jerguson directed everyone’s attention to her eating her first solid food.

The roar from the crowd made him afraid to turn around. Seems when Grady had burned the disk he had laid it on the desk but picked up a different one, one Goober had made of his trip to the zoo this past summer, and took it to the church. The first image was of a rather messy Asian pig’s behind sticking up in the air and his snout buried in the slop in his trough.

Hoping this was a fluke, Pastor Jerguson continued as though the first picture had been an actual shot of little Dottie. “This is Stanley Jones. He’s the son of Wade and Peggy Jones. Here he is getting his first hair cut.”

Again a roar overwhelmed the moment. Pastor Jerguson slowly turned and saw a family of baboons with the mother picking fleas out of the hair of her baby.

In too deep to stop, Pastor Jerguson held up Missy Yeager, daughter of Kyle and Bernice Yeager. He took a breath and said, “This is little Missy singing in her crib.”

The donkey in full bray was more than the crowd could handle. Maxine Johnson grabbed her tissue to wipe her eyes and nose. Her sister, Gladys, began to struggle with her incontinence. Stan Gomez began to snort in a way reminiscent of what the donkey might sound like. The rest of the congregation lost it entirely. Then the babies began to cry along with their mothers. The dads had no clue what to do.  Pastor Jerguson looked back at the control booth. Only Jordan Turner was there. Grady and Goober had left the building right after the baboons.

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