Thursday, January 13, 2011

Grady, Goober and Aunt Bertha

“Goober, did I just hear you call your Aunt Bertha a pig?” asked Pastor Jerguson.

“Yes sir,” Goober answered. “Aunt Bertha’s a pig.”

“No, no, Goober, never call your aunt a pig. She may be large, portly, plus-sized, statuesque, jumbo, over-weight, pudgy, fluffy, extra large, gigantic, enormous, rotund, enlarged, but please don’t call her a pig.”

“But Pastor J…”

“No, I insist. You must not be so degrading in describing your aunt.”

“But Pastor J…”

“Goober, you can’t justify this, so don’t even try.”

“But Pastor J…”

“Calling attention to someone’s physical characteristics is inappropriate. You don’t need to add a descriptive word like “pig” after her name. That’s so demeaning. I’m ashamed of you.”

“But Pastor J…”

“What, Goober!”

“Pastor J, Aunt Bertha is a pig.”

“Have you been listening to me? I insist you never say those words in reference to your aunt again.”

Goober went reflective. Pastor Jerguson nodded. Apparently he had finally gotten through.

“Pastor J, Aunt Bertha is a swine?”

Pastor Jerguson went ballistic. He began to circle Goober, waving his arms and stomping the ground. Finally, Grady came up.

“Hey, Goober, I need help loading Aunt Bertha in the back of the truck.”

“What?” demanded Pastor Jerguson.

“Yeah, we gotta take her to the vet for worming and she’s too big for me to handle by myself,” Grady answered.

“So Aunt Bertha is a…” Pastor Jerguson paused.

“Whatever you do, don’t say ‘pig’,” Goober warned. “Pastor J will go crazy on you.”

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